Diary of Mister Blunt

The 13th Officer

the 13th person at the airport who wanted my details was also a police officer and waves at me from behind his plastiglas screen and motions for me to come on over, but not too close.

He says "Do you have your paperwork for quarantine?"

And I go "I assume one of these forms I filled out three times already is what you're looking for."

He says "Did you fill out your Travel Declaration for Queensland?"

I go "No, I did not. Cos I was not supposed to come here. I filled out a Travel Declaration for South Australia cos that IS where I was supposed to land, but they fucked me again, so now I'm here. I also filled out a Travel Declaration for entering Australia form less than 7 days but more than 72 hours before my initial flight - but I must warn you since my stopover was suddenly 20 hours long none of that may be permissible"

He says "I see."

I say, "Isn't a Travel Declaration for entering Australia the same thing as a Travel Declaration for entering some part of Australia - ie: Queensland?"

He says "You'd think so, but no."

I say "I see."

Then I say: "I've already gone through this with your colleagues just around that corner back there. That's why I'm kind of late. I had to log in to some Qld government page, and fill out another form with the same info I've already given on several forms, and then they sent me an email which I did not download but rather clicked on the link and then they sent me a confirmation that I had clicked on the link and then they sent a PDF file which had a Rorschach test pattern on it which I showed to another dude who didn't have a machine to read it anyways and so now I'm here with you.

I show him the Rorschach test on my phone - he also does not have the ability to read it. It could have been the code from my PCR test, or the code for my eyeglasses prescription, or the code for a free latte from Starbucks.

But he was satisfied or mesmerised with it.

He booked me into a room at the Sofitel Hotel in Broadbeach.

I said "I've had zero sleep for now 50 hours, can hardly stand up, is there not a hotel in Brisbane?"

He said "It's only 90 minutes away."

I said "That'll make it 51.5 hours of no sleep."

He said "I'm sorry, but that's where you have to go."

I said "On 51.5 hours of no sleep I will either die a slow, agonising death or I qualified to become a Rave DJ."

This he did not find the slightest bit amusing.